CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM STAR WRITES TELL-ALL BOOK ABOUT WEIRD SEX LIFE

Susie Essman, who is best known for her portrayal of the foul-mouthed Susie Greene on the HBO comedy series, “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, is publishing a memoir where she candidly talks about her weird sexploits with a series of weirdo ex-boyfriends.

“My past is littered with unbelievably inappropriate partners. I’ve been through some real humdingers over the years, or should I say hum-dingdingding-ers . . . I stayed with men when the bells were ringing so loudly Marlee Matlin could have heard them,” Essman, writes in What Would Susie Say: Bull[bleep] Wisdom About Love, Life and Comedy, which is scheduled for an October release from Simon & Schuster.

“I remember a guy I once dated who would say things like, ‘Bob really likes Susie. Bob wants Susie to get naked’ . . . Then there was the guy who insisted on wearing a lobster bib when having oral sex,” Essman recalls. “Then there was the freak who every time he went to the bathroom made me applaud.”

Just as strange was the oddball who told Essman on their first date that his inner child was Dame Judi Dench. And one boyfriend “admitted to me one day that his pet name for his penis was ‘Klaus Barbie, Butcher of Lyon.’ . . . The worst, though, was this one guy who barked every time we did it doggie style. That’s a little excessive don’t you think? A woof woof every now and then can be fun, almost kinky, but aggressive metered barking every time?”

But Essman, who was 53 when she married commercial real-estate broker Jim Harder last September, has no regrets. “So you marry a guy when you’re 25, and that’s it? That’s the extent of your sexual experience? That wasn’t for me,” she writes. “I always thought if wedding vows went something like: ‘For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and you’ll never have sex with anyone for the rest of your life,’ people wouldn’t be so quick to say, ‘I do.’ “